What am I thinking?

Date: 09 February 2013

What am I thinking at times? Is it real, or fake. Im just speechless at times. How much can I smile? How much can I tell myself Im okay? Perhaps Im keeping too much too myself. Too much more.

Nothing much these few days. But going to school to help out in the choir just does not seemed purposeful anymore if people around does not show that they appreciate. Time taken, time wasted and money spent is not going to worth it all anymore if this is the case. Just simply could not think of ways to make things as much as I want. Sometimes, just like a teacher, I have to like plan to teach them things, but it does not seemed to work. The plan would not work at all. And just like what my cousin says, teachers just do not have the same goal, as the school, as the students. This clearly shows the big gap in thinking between different people, and they are just working towards different goals. So it is simply pointless I believe. I seriously think so now. And I have to agree to it.

And yet all these stuffs that happen, it just brings too much change to my life. I have to tolerate and close an eye to many things, which I myself know that I could no longer do that and be strong towards it. How? How can i deal with it again? Putting on a mask to show the others? I doubt so. Nights become sleepless, days become a thinking time. To do what? Like how? Will it work? I doubt so. I try to understand, but if its only me going to try and put in the effort, i would rather throw in the towel. Like seriously, now i will do it. Thats the only way I can do, I guess.

Its already the Lunar New Year already, but it all seemed the same to me. As boring as ever. Somehow Im hoping school would quickly start, but Im seriously wondering what is Marine Engineering is all about. How good it is. What it is about? I somehow still like Nautical Studies, and Im hoping I can get it. But is it possible? Im hoping it will be. But i just do not dare to put my hopes too high.

Just hoping, praying, everyday will turn out to be better.

And, my greatest wish, is to return to Korea and live alone there. In a foreign land. But i know. Its impossible.