The feeling gets worst.

Title: The feeling gets worst.

Date: 04 January 2012

Today the feeling I got just somehow became worst. I very much want to leave this place and hide somewhere. Yes, just like a coward. Hide and would never appear again till people all forget me. Its also good. I dont wish to remember any of the present. If can, I just want to clear all my memories… Or, I want to turn the clock back for one and a half year. To then the time where I can chose my stream in Sec 2. Then perhaps I wont a mistake and would not have caused all these to myself.

School was boring again. I didnt get to do everything that I wanted to. Seriously. Stage duty was okay. Thanks to the new VP for talking to me like twice today, Im feeling calmer at times today. And somehow is like okay. Idk why. But I just feel like this at times. Im typing now without thinking, which means everything that Im going to say here is just going to be real.. Really. Im going to be real now. I dont wish to fake anything. I just want someone to care about what I feel and think. And such like this. Really. But who is going to do this kind and evil job. Idk. Maybe there isnt anyone worth to be in this line.
Im just somewhat jealous the guy that used to like you, and you are a little close. Does this shows that i still care? Idk. But this is what I feel. Really. Thats why I made alot of wrong decisions. And perhaps, I dont deserve to receive all these from you. The kindness and such. I just made things worst. I should have just given you what you wanted…

Received the this yearr handbook and I saw the year long calender. O Levels are coming. Really. Im getting scared and everything. Then Im stressed now. How? I dont know. Less than 5 months to the crucial MYE for me. If I can do well, I can DSA to somewhere. But I just wish to secure something that I could do and such. How? I want to destress now really. I just need it. Spare me a day.

Lesson was freaking boring through out though I really tried my very best to pay attention to everything and such. But somehow I couldnt at times. I really tried hard this time round. Really. I didnt go to sleep today no matter how boring and tiring it is. Im just trying to keep awake. This is the amount of effort I put in no matter how tired I was. I really put in this much of effort in everything that I do, but who knows? Who would even care about it? Idk. I just wish for someone to understand me.

1115 go choir. Changed. I meet you at that time you wanted me to meet you. I went. But then I could see that you didnt really want it I guess. Forget it. I may choose not to meet you at times, unless you ask. I dont wish you to be unhappy with my presence. If I can, I would rather disappear from your life forever, if you want it. Really.
Help set risers and everything else that could be done. Very much rather be an OGL. Its so much more fun than this. I just dont feel as close to the Choir. Cos I just didnt like the committee. And now that YH is following me, Im worried. I could have harmed him in some ways. I dont wish to ruin his bright future in Manjusri like this. Really. Ive just made too many wrong decisions that could have ruin other people. I should not have even done that. Really…
Performed in the hall and it was rather okay. Quite good.
Went for lunch and wanted to be with you. But you told Yuqian something that perhaps you didnt want me to be with you or what, then forget it. I shall just leave. Idk. The YekLiang told me that we sound nicer when we performed today compared to that day when we were practicing.

Help in Orientation, but had to bring back the piano and such first. Then went back there and slack for some 3 hours. I didnt get to do what I wanted to do and I just felt sad after what YuQian told me. I just felt, maybe everything she said was just right. Maybe. Yeah, I should just let her be…
After everything I tried to rush back though committee was supposed to stay and help pack everything up. But I had to rush for tuition and I ended up rush off. I doubt my toe will ever recover like this. Maybe its better if it dosent recover, afterall no one cares about it. Maybe let everything bad happens to me lor. Who would care about me? I also dont know. Maybe I should not know.

Tuition was okay. I got wad I wanted, like my homework just full of ticks. Yeah. Ive been working towards that for like so long. And then I also used my mobile portable charger and charged it during tuition and the battery was at about 97% when I removed it, cause I could not see it… I will depend alot on it already. Then now blogging and thinking. Im really very very tired. My eyes could just close anytime. Really. I just want to sleep and forget everything that has happened.

I want to go to Japan now and live alone. NO ONE WILL CARE AFTERALL! SO WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?! I dont see a difference. Really. Just leave me alone. This is what I am. Okay. U now see the true colours, so DONT BOTHER ABOUT ME AT ALL! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY!