Date: 06 April 2013
Been wondering about many things for a while. Perhaps I just want is an answer to it. There is no way to get it though. I guess so.
Many things have been happening. And well, all for a reason I guess. I just dun know how to face it. The result of it is going to be hurting or perhaps not to the type of expectations that i wished for it to be. And that includes my relationship. How do I say it from the start of it? Im unsure.
At the very least, there are some things i know already, but i guess i just wish to know more. It me. And in the blog, its dead. So im just practically talking to the wall like this. Forget it.
Date: 02 April 2013
Been so dead this blog. But the happenings of the recent events is not helping me at all, not a single bit. I just somehow wish all these didnt happen to be honest.
Quarrelled with Yu Qian, someone who has actually been very good and helpful, kind to me all these while since I first know her. Somehow, glad for everything that she has done. I dont know if what she say is true, but perhaps being honest, Ive tot of maybe liking her, but only as a friend to the most. Although she understands me really well, I just dun wish to lose this friend if something happens. Now that Im even going on into Poly, i think many things may have changed.
Even to my own relationship. Just dun feel confident of keeping her at all. Like, we have drifted far too much. For now. And when I dun even get to meet her for once a week after my school term starts, it will become worst. And the things that happen like the guys who like her, the ‘no time’ excuse she gave me, its just totally draining all my efforts to it. Sometimes, I just dun wish to tell this to anyone, or just wish to say it out loud. But to who?
Perhaps thats life. Keeping it to yourself, may end up just be better.. Idk. Im in fact in a confused state of mind.
Date: 09 February 2013
What am I thinking at times? Is it real, or fake. Im just speechless at times. How much can I smile? How much can I tell myself Im okay? Perhaps Im keeping too much too myself. Too much more.
Nothing much these few days. But going to school to help out in the choir just does not seemed purposeful anymore if people around does not show that they appreciate. Time taken, time wasted and money spent is not going to worth it all anymore if this is the case. Just simply could not think of ways to make things as much as I want. Sometimes, just like a teacher, I have to like plan to teach them things, but it does not seemed to work. The plan would not work at all. And just like what my cousin says, teachers just do not have the same goal, as the school, as the students. This clearly shows the big gap in thinking between different people, and they are just working towards different goals. So it is simply pointless I believe. I seriously think so now. And I have to agree to it.
And yet all these stuffs that happen, it just brings too much change to my life. I have to tolerate and close an eye to many things, which I myself know that I could no longer do that and be strong towards it. How? How can i deal with it again? Putting on a mask to show the others? I doubt so. Nights become sleepless, days become a thinking time. To do what? Like how? Will it work? I doubt so. I try to understand, but if its only me going to try and put in the effort, i would rather throw in the towel. Like seriously, now i will do it. Thats the only way I can do, I guess.
Its already the Lunar New Year already, but it all seemed the same to me. As boring as ever. Somehow Im hoping school would quickly start, but Im seriously wondering what is Marine Engineering is all about. How good it is. What it is about? I somehow still like Nautical Studies, and Im hoping I can get it. But is it possible? Im hoping it will be. But i just do not dare to put my hopes too high.
Just hoping, praying, everyday will turn out to be better.
And, my greatest wish, is to return to Korea and live alone there. In a foreign land. But i know. Its impossible.
Date: 1 February 2013
Merely the second post in the year. Many things have passed, Many things have occured. But how do I say it out loud. To myself? I wonder.
Time flies. Everything that has ought to take place has taken place. Everything that will occur, just have occured. But how, how to make it feel like it is the same as the past? Do miss everything, right from the start. But how do I say it? To who? It just seemed so useless, as it has always been. It never changes I guess. This feeling has remained for as long as I have known.
Even when the fact that I have you, it is still the same. It dosent change. I guess, the reason why I dun tell you so much, is purely because Im afraid, afraid of getting back that same thing again. I dun wish to have it again. I can only try to comfort you, and do everything else. Except telling you. Thats all i can do, I guess.
It continues, just lingering about. I just wish, it would all end.
Nothing seemed to be that happy about, or worth to be happy about. It just seemed, all so dull.
Date: 18 January 2013
First post of the year. but yet, 18 days gone. Things come, things go. Everyday just seemed like the same to me already. Dosent really makes too much of a difference now. Waking up not motivated. Just wished my job could come to me quicker.
One month since Korea. Admit, really do miss it. At the very least, I dun have to worry too much there just like I do in Singapore. I also dun have to think so much in Korea, get to really relax, rest, and just like being myself, in my own world. Missing the many moments there. How i wish, I could just return to there now, just like how I want to. Its kind of a wish, of mine. Jeju, Myeongdong, Dongdaemun. Just a few, but yet, the memories in it is yet so much. This is unlike the me in Singapore now, every passing day, just seemed to be another day. Just another day. Why is it so different at times?
Its different. Now just waiting for posting results. O Levels is perhaps just the tip of my target. Not even to the best I could have probably done. Somehow really wished I had done perhaps slightly better. But how? Its already fixed. Its meant to be.
Regrets here and there. I just want something else in my mind. Its alot. But no one will understand. Ever do.
Date: 29 December 2012
Gonna leave Korea and return back to Singapore soon. Just a matter of hours. This heavy feeling. Idk how to describe. Afterall ive been here for close to two weeks and I will definitely miss everything here.
Got to know new friends, new people, just by my not so outgoing person. Also got to know new things, been to some new areas, and its been a really enjoyable place for me to be.
I just wish i could be here for an even longer time. Maybe its just a sign of escapism. Afterall, all year, i had wanted to go to somewhere far away, and somehow not return back to Singapore to face the reality. Its no longer the same old me in the past. Ive perhaps, changed.
I sort of became weaker on the inside. I guess.
This last day in Seoul started off with a about 10km walk with my 3rd Uncle, Cousin Marcus and the uncle living here in Korea. Fun and really enjoyable, but at the same time tiring. The climbing of the steep slopes made me tire out too easily. Just dun know why. Thn my favourite breakfast. And rest all the way.
Seoul is just too nice, and carries far too many memories. Its like a jewel in my heart among the many countries Ive visited.
Once thought Japan and Korea was the same. But now Ive realised both are like completely different. Perhaps Seoul is better, for me afterall. I guess.
Bye Seoul, Bye Korea. You've given me alot these two weeks. Ive enjoyed alot, and love the experience throughout here.
I will be back, and give me more snow, please. I love Seoul. <3
Date: 27 December 2012 (Seoul)
Sometimes i just wonder what i am to you people. A slave? Maid? Or servant? Or just a scapegoat? Its practically everything of the above. Why is things like this? At home is like this. Outside is also like this.
When Im silent, who cares? Who knows? Who even bother? Is there a moment that you people know what kind of hurt you people cursed? Do you people understand? Do you people even bother to even go and ask? Like as if you do.
Who can I say this to? Practically, no one. Literally no one. Sometimes I just wish to run away in this foreign land.
Saying something which i really want and do, asking for my own rights, is something which is so so hard for me to achieve. I simply just could not get it. No way.
How thn is it possible, for me to voice out just like you all expect me to do?
I get accused, and when I say it wasnt me, Im scolded for having a bad temper. So what? Sit there and get scolded stupidly? Or should i be a punching bag to you all?
Why not you tell me, how a person life should be. Its definitely much much simpler.
I wish to cry. I wish i could borrow a shoulder to lean on. But is there any reliable one?
Date: 25 December 2012
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
But it just dosent turn out to be one that Ive always wished for. Its still the same, just a little of everything i want. Somethings are not meant to be, i guess so.
